Imperfections
by Floopygirl
Summary: Short and not so sweet. Set in an AU diverging after D&C. SJ pairing
1. Imperfections

Title: Imperfections

Pairing: S/J

Rating: 13+

Archive: ask first.

Disclaimer: not mine

A/N: In my head this is after Divide and Conquer, but it probably doesn't need to be pinned down that much.

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Things weren't perfect.

The sex was good, but afterwards he'd snore and steal the covers. She knew she could had the choice of sleeping in a different room but then she'd have felt disloyal, so she lay awake and shivered instead, trying not to get angry.

She realised it wasn't conscious on his part, but he still liked to make all the decisions and give her orders. When she pointed out what he was doing he was always incredibly contrite, but apologies only eased her frustration so much. She wanted to punch him and get the message across – nothing like negative reinforcement – but still managed to resist.

They didn't enjoy the same pursuits outside of work – fishing bored her to tears, they could never settle on a TV channel and whenever she opened a book he'd start trying to distract her. Which was a polite way of saying they drove each other nuts. It was all very well deciding to make compromises to be with the person you loved, but living with the reality was difficult, to say the least.

They argued about the amount of time she spent on base – she'd explain that the world was still in peril even though he'd resigned, and then he'd get sarcastic and bitter. At those times she knew it would be better to leave him alone so they could both calm down, but she never did. A tiny part of her wondered if she was trying to rub it in that she was the one still at the SGC and he wasn't, but she'd never do anything that vicious. Would she?

She felt guilty for having let him make the decision to resign without arguing more. At the time it had made sense – he'd been the one with the bad back and knees and she'd been the young major with the promising career. She'd saved the world on countless occasions, and the SGC relied on her scientific knowledge to remain operational.

The only problem was that she hadn't been the only one to keep saving the world. Since his resignation, or retirement, or whatever you wanted to call it, the death toll on base had risen. Young, eager officers had gone to their deaths, and she felt at least partially responsible for each one. He didn't know the statistics – he no longer had the clearance – but he could see the look on her face after each difficult mission, and recently they'd all seemed difficult. She was distant and he was distant, and she wished she hadn't been so eager to sell her house.

It wasn't that she'd expected things to be perfect. The problem was that they weren't even wonderful, or blissful, or any of those other glowing adjectives that she'd once dreamt of using. They were good, but she wanted more than good. They'd sacrificed too much for just 'good'.

She missed the days when their feelings for each other were new and scary, when she'd wondered if he really felt anything for her or if it was all in her head. Oddly enough, the uncertainty had been sweet.

She couldn't admit to having made a mistake or having moved too fast - he'd resigned for her, after all, she couldn't just turn around and waggle her fingers in a casual goodbye. She defined herself as someone who honoured her commitments, and she wasn't willing to lose that. It was just that things had been so much easier and simpler, before.

Sam lay in bed, listening to Jack snore, and she shivered.


	2. Divided

Disclaimer: not mine

* * *

She's less close to her teammates now. Teal'c has never said anything to her, but she's sure he disapproves that Jack gave up his fight against the Goa'uld just for her. He's never complained but she knows he doesn't respect Major Levine, their new CO, as much as he did Jack, and it hurts her to think about it. 

Daniel on the other hand once told Jack how happy he was that Jack had finally found someone, just like he had found Share five years ago. He wants them to have the fairytale ending that he couldn't hold on to, and Sam can't bear to tell him that it just hasn't work out that way. It's so hard keeping up the smiles all day, especially when she suspects that Daniel sees through them and merely humours her, but she's terrified of letting the illusion slip.

They never spend any time together in a group any more. She's tried taking Jack out on SG-1's team evenings a couple of times but one thing has become perfectly clear: Major Levine is definitely uncomfortable being around his predecessor. Jack on the other hand put on an impressive display of bonhomie at the time but froze her out as soon as they left for the night, managing to keep up his walls for several days afterwards. It's not hard to see that he hates the reminder of how things used to be, and she can't see how she can make that up to him.

But it's okay, because Samantha Carter doesn't make mistakes - clinging to that idea, she spends more time in her lab, where she knows it's true. She's intelligent enough to know that spending more time working won't make things any better but she can't talk to anyone about things. Everyone seems to have their own set of expectations of her and a list of occasions where she hasn't met them, and she feels weight pressing her down every day.

Jack's started inviting Daniel and Teal'c to their home on the weekends when he knows she'll be working, and she hates the nights when she comes home tired only to find a house smelling of pizza and a pile of beer bottles in the trash. She makes an effort not to complain though - she doesn't accuse him of having more fun without her, though she wants to, and he's stopped grumbling that she spends too much time in the lab. She wishes he still did.

Lately she's noticed Teal'c watching her more than he used to and she's sure he wishes that she'd resigned instead of Jack. She half-agrees with him. And Daniel keeps popping by her lab, bringing her coffee and donuts, offering to listen any time she wants to talk, but really there's nothing to say.


End file.
